Fallen but never forgotten

I knew I wanted something more but I didn’t know exactly what I wanted. How often it is that we find ourselves trapped in one of these moments. I know that I couldn’t just shy away from my pain but then on the other hand I was afraid to confront what was growing deep within me.

The pain that I had experienced in my life has moulded who I am. There is no denying that fact. When I look around I can see, I can feel that there is something missing, that is there something more. What is this feeling? This constant sense of displacement, of not feeling comfortable wherever I go. There are moments when everything seems to be perfect, yet somehow my mind comes into play and projects a focus that something needs to be changed.

There is a constant pushing and pulling of my responsibilities and the prescribed duties that I am bound to fulfill. I do my best to please everyone whom I am surrounded with but in the end I am always compromising my boundaries. How can I find a balance in a world that is so chaotic? How can I stop denying myself the potential to truly discover something great within me?

These questions arouse my desire to find something that seems to be lost or at least hidden. When I observe myself, I see weakness, I see a fraction of what I could become. How do I get to where I want to be? What is the right path for me? Despite my yearning to satiate these never ending inquiries, to no avail the answers end up disappearing back into another question. Even when I sit in silence my mind carelessly floats away on the next cloud of thought. Then again I am fixed in nothing more than my vivid imaginations. I see myself in a world of my own creation yet I am faced with the unforgiving duality of living in a world of which I can only project this image upon.

Intellectually I feel satisfied in knowing that there is something much more than just what I can see with my eyes. I can understand that there is an inherent truth which connects everyone and everything. My mind can accept this concept on the most fundamental level. It is only when I look out to the world, I still can’t see through my own heart. What is this sense of perpetual refusal? Why do I find it so difficult to accept myself as I am?

I remember when I was a little boy I would climb the highest tree that I could find. As I climbed every branch I trusted that it would hold me, that it would not break. With every step up towards the sky I got closer and closer to the tip top of the tree, where the branches were the weakest. There was always a point in which I was afraid to go further but still I continued to climb. Standing tall on the little branch I held tight to the branches on the top of the tree, overlooking a vast expanse as far my eyes could see. The wind swayed the tree back and forth as I was encapsulated in the feeling of being totally free.

There was this underlying sense of uncertainty in which I knew at any moment the branch could break, and if I did it would send me falling to the ground beneath. Then without cause suddenly I heard a crack. I could feel my little arms flailing about to find a branch to grab and catch my fall. In the midst of my quick descent I reached out, into the blurry mirage of cascading branches and somehow unbeknownst to me I grabbed one. I held tight, I held that branch so tight and I lifted myself up. I was shaken, my heart was beating fast and my arms were marked with the scratches of the branches that seared against my flesh. I was both surprised and shocked, my fear was strong but my courage was much stronger. Composing myself I continued down the tree but this time with an even greater sense of respect and appreciation.

When my feet finally hit the ground I knew I was home. I felt alive. I looked back up to the top of the tree and this time I could feel a new connection to this tree. I now had the scars to prove my pain and suffering but I also had the experience to see myself in a way that I have never seen before. I gave myself the freedom to discover something more. Despite the uncomfortable confrontation of facing my fears, I had become elevated in this direct knowing.

Reminiscent of this experience I used this as a catalyst to recognize once again that I am much more than I imagine myself to be. In the convention of thought, I contemplated on this moment of past learning. With a newly invigorated determination I continued to move forward on my path to awakening and it was in this reflection that the words spontaneously arose, “Everything is already within me, for what I am seeking is nothing other than myself.” ~ ༺ 𝓖 ༻